I’m an adult orphan

When Nadia was 13, her mum killed herself. In November 2018 her dad passed away too. Here, Nadia, 32, explains the impact loss has had on her life…

I was 11 when I started to wonder if Mum was okay. She was lovely one minute, the next she’d be frantically cramming a suitcase and saying the world hated her. She’d get to the front door, stop, then go back to normal.

Mum seemed sad and angry more often. She’d get annoyed at me, my brother Elliot and my sister Lucy. She’d lock herself in her bedroom and refuse to come out. I saw scars on her arms.

One day Mum calmly told me she was unwell. ‘When I was younger, something happened and I don’t know how to deal with it,’ she said. ‘Sometimes people do things to you and it isn’t your fault. Do you understand?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ I said. Dad explained that Mum had been abused as a child. 

I was 13, Elliot was ten and Lucy was six when Mum committed suicide. 

Just when I was becoming a woman myself. I started my period six weeks after she died. I needed her, but she was gone. We soldiered on, with Dad doing his best. I didn’t want Elliot and Lucy to miss what I missed so I tried to fill the mum role for them. 

ut I went off the rails - what was the point in following the rules if the people you love leave you behind? By 17, I had a boyfriend who used to tell me I was crazy like my mum. I began to wonder if he was right. I felt depressed, I had a controlling, unhealthy relationship with food, I looked awful. I was scared I was turning into my mum.

Then, I fell pregnant. My boyfriend messed me around, so we broke up. I didn’t need him anymore - I had so much love for my unborn baby. I wanted to give her more than he’d ever given me. 

Izabelle was born in November 2008, when I was 21. I threw myself into being a mum but it was after Bella arrived that I finally felt angry with Mum. How could she have left us? I would never leave Bella. It took me a long time to work through those feelings of frustrations at a life lost.

In 2014, we moved in with my brother and his girlfriend. It gave me a sense of belonging. Then I met Joe and we had Emily, now six, together. Everything was coming together and I felt happy. 

Then, in November 2017, Dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. We tried to support the man who had done so much to support us. We juggled our lives to be there with him for every appointment. He told us to look on the bright side, as he always did. 

By September 2018, Dad had six weeks to live. The following month, I had to call Elliot and Lucy and tell them it was time - Dad was leaving. I felt like I was 13 again and they were still small and we were all too young not to have a parent. Who’s going to be the adult in our family now?

We spent a week beside his hospital bed, watching him die. Then, he woke up, looked at the three of us and grinned. ‘I suppose this is it then,’ he smiled. He died the following morning, the three of us by his side. Dad always used to say there’s always a bright side, if you look for it. Instead of thinking I’ve had the worst luck, I think I’ve had tough things happen to me, but I’m still standing. Still looking for the bright side, because it’s always there, if you look.